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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Nation’s Women Fantasize About Some Future Election That Isn’t Absolutely Pivotal To Their Well-Being

WASHINGTON—Saying it’s nice sometimes to let their imaginations run wild, the nation’s female voters told reporters Tuesday they have been fantasizing a lot lately about some far-off presidential election in the future that is not absolutely crucial to their well-being. “It would be really nice if, someday, my basic rights and day-to-day happiness are not entirely determined by the outcome of one vote,” said 29-year-old Olivia Holden of Newton, MA, who admitted that she, like women across the country, had been regularly daydreaming about what it might be like to cast a ballot in an election in which the opportunities available to her did not hinge on the result. “Can you imagine if, no matter who won, I still felt like an equal member of society and comfortable in my own skin? That would be amazing. It’s kind of fun to imagine.” At press time, the nation’s women’s daydreams were broken by the sound of breaking news push notifications on their phones alerting them to the latest national poll results showing a tightening race.

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