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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Nation's Women Thank Sports Illustrated For Helping Them Make Well-Informed Swimsuit Choices

NEW YORK—Weeks after their 2008 swimsuit issue hit newsstands, Sports Illustrated continues to be deluged with mail from appreciative women across America thanking the magazine for once again helping them choose attractive, functional beachwear. "It's never too early in the spring to get your wardrobe ready for summer!" Cleveland, OH housewife Erica Robbins, 46, wrote in a letter the magazine received Monday. "I've already made an appointment with a local artist to airbrush a dramatically high-cut crimson 'tankini' on my naked body the first day the thermometer goes over 75!" Although the special issue is extremely popular with women, Sports Illustrated's annual swimwear shopping guide continues to elicit thousands of subscription cancellation demands every year from the magazine's overwhelmingly male readership.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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