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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Nation's Women Throwing Themselves At New No. 1 Ranked Golfer Luke Donald

DUBLIN, OH—Luke Donald, the newly-minted world's No. 1 golfer, found himself on the receiving end of non-stop phone calls, aggressive come-ons, and outright groping from hordes of sexually deranged women less than an hour after the world golf rankings were announced Monday. "Everyone knows that the world's top-ranked golfer is one of the most sought-after men on the planet, but I had no idea it would be like this...I've hardly been able to sleep," Donald said at a press conference Thursday which was periodically interrupted by throngs of flushed, panting women breaking through PGA security cordons and once by a female reporter screaming "Take me now!" and removing all her clothing. "I'd heard rumors of what those Bunker Betties will do you you, but… Wow. Just wow. You wouldn't even believe me if I told you." Meanwhile, former No. 1 Lee Westwood declined to comment on the matter and was last seen dejectedly phoning his wife to desperately beg her to let him come home again.

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