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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Nation's Women Throwing Themselves At New No. 1 Ranked Golfer Luke Donald

DUBLIN, OH—Luke Donald, the newly-minted world's No. 1 golfer, found himself on the receiving end of non-stop phone calls, aggressive come-ons, and outright groping from hordes of sexually deranged women less than an hour after the world golf rankings were announced Monday. "Everyone knows that the world's top-ranked golfer is one of the most sought-after men on the planet, but I had no idea it would be like this...I've hardly been able to sleep," Donald said at a press conference Thursday which was periodically interrupted by throngs of flushed, panting women breaking through PGA security cordons and once by a female reporter screaming "Take me now!" and removing all her clothing. "I'd heard rumors of what those Bunker Betties will do you you, but… Wow. Just wow. You wouldn't even believe me if I told you." Meanwhile, former No. 1 Lee Westwood declined to comment on the matter and was last seen dejectedly phoning his wife to desperately beg her to let him come home again.

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