adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation's Women Wake Up Relieved To Find Selves Still In 2012

CHICAGO—According to reports from across the nation, the country’s entire female population was greatly relieved upon waking this morning to learn that the year was still 2012. “I was worried I would open my eyes and it would be 1954,” said 31-year-old Lauren Mercer, stating that is was a “huge weight off [her] shoulders” to get out of bed and find herself in the present day, instead of transported back to a time when equal pay in the workplace was deemed taboo and abortion was illegal. “The first thing I did was look at the newspaper and turn on the news, and thankfully I could tell by what I read and heard that it was still the 21st century.” Echoing the sentiments of all 157 million American females, Mercer said that while she was grateful upon learning what year it was, she had to admit that living in the year 2012 was still quite frightening.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close