Nation's Women Wake Up Relieved To Find Selves Still In 2012

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 45

Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good

CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good. “Oh, man, ...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Innovation

Nation's Women Wake Up Relieved To Find Selves Still In 2012

CHICAGO—According to reports from across the nation, the country’s entire female population was greatly relieved upon waking this morning to learn that the year was still 2012. “I was worried I would open my eyes and it would be 1954,” said 31-year-old Lauren Mercer, stating that is was a “huge weight off [her] shoulders” to get out of bed and find herself in the present day, instead of transported back to a time when equal pay in the workplace was deemed taboo and abortion was illegal. “The first thing I did was look at the newspaper and turn on the news, and thankfully I could tell by what I read and heard that it was still the 21st century.” Echoing the sentiments of all 157 million American females, Mercer said that while she was grateful upon learning what year it was, she had to admit that living in the year 2012 was still quite frightening.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More