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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Native Americans Ask Very Nicely For Country Back

These Navajo Indians are just part of the delegation in Washington that has requested the country back from the White Man. Members of Congress replied with an amused "no chance," and a hearty chuckle.
These Navajo Indians are just part of the delegation in Washington that has requested the country back from the White Man. Members of Congress replied with an amused "no chance," and a hearty chuckle.

A delegation representing a broad range of Native American governments converged on Washington, D.C., today, presenting a prepared statement before Congress. The statement, described as “extremely polite and respectfully worded,” asked the U.S. government very nicely to return America to the Native American populace.

“We would like, pretty please, with a cherry on top, if we may, to have our country back now, that is, if it’s alright with you, and you’re done with it, if it’s not too much trouble, please,” a portion of the statement read.

Reaction to the courteous request was uniform and positive.

“What a nice gesture,” Sen. Franklin Hall (D-VA) said. “And darn neighborly of them too. We’ve broken all our treaties with them, and still they thought to include this lovely card. Look, it says ‘Thinking of You,’ and it has a beautiful picture of a sunset on it.”

Hall went on to say that he was particularly impressed with the tribal leaders’ manners in light of the near-wholesale destruction of their populace, not only through military actions and pogroms, but also germ warfare and economic terrorism.

When asked if he would give the country back, Sen. Hall replied: “No, I do not think so.”

He then disappeared into his Congressional chambers, where he and several of his staffers shared what was described by observers as “a long, hearty laugh.”

Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-CO), the only Native American in Congress, was absent, having been tricked by the other Senators into trading his senate seat for a bag of delicious, fruit-flavored gummy bears.

Also impressed with the exceptionally polite Native Americans was Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt, who told reporters that the tact, evenness of manner and congeniality of the Native Americans was one of the most touching displays of civic pride that he as an elected official had ever witnessed.

“The behavior of these noble Indians is truly moving,” Babbitt said. “I mean, you’d think they’d be more angry about it, after being force-marched for all those thousands of miles along the Trail of Tears in the dead of winter, dropping like flies from the ravages of smallpox.”

When asked if he favored returning America to them, he replied, “Why, no.” He recommended Native Americans focus their energies on building quality gambling facilities, rather than spending time trying to restore their people’s self-sufficiency and pride. Babbitt could very easily see the government donating money to that cause, “seeing that most states would never sully their own land with the boozing and whoring that so frequently accompanies such endeavors.”

Despite sympathetic reactions, the delegation was not allowed into the legislative chambers due to time constraints, and instead had to deliver its statement and accompanying fruit basket via congressional page. After waiting 17 hours, it formed a circle and invoked the ancient “Mashkawon” ceremony, sitting and chanting quietly to protest the extensive delays.

When the group did not move off the Capitol lawn after being asked to leave by security, the delegation was incinerated by air-to-surface missiles.

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