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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

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James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

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Native Americans Ask Very Nicely For Country Back

These Navajo Indians are just part of the delegation in Washington that has requested the country back from the White Man. Members of Congress replied with an amused "no chance," and a hearty chuckle.
These Navajo Indians are just part of the delegation in Washington that has requested the country back from the White Man. Members of Congress replied with an amused "no chance," and a hearty chuckle.

A delegation representing a broad range of Native American governments converged on Washington, D.C., today, presenting a prepared statement before Congress. The statement, described as “extremely polite and respectfully worded,” asked the U.S. government very nicely to return America to the Native American populace.

“We would like, pretty please, with a cherry on top, if we may, to have our country back now, that is, if it’s alright with you, and you’re done with it, if it’s not too much trouble, please,” a portion of the statement read.

Reaction to the courteous request was uniform and positive.

“What a nice gesture,” Sen. Franklin Hall (D-VA) said. “And darn neighborly of them too. We’ve broken all our treaties with them, and still they thought to include this lovely card. Look, it says ‘Thinking of You,’ and it has a beautiful picture of a sunset on it.”

Hall went on to say that he was particularly impressed with the tribal leaders’ manners in light of the near-wholesale destruction of their populace, not only through military actions and pogroms, but also germ warfare and economic terrorism.

When asked if he would give the country back, Sen. Hall replied: “No, I do not think so.”

He then disappeared into his Congressional chambers, where he and several of his staffers shared what was described by observers as “a long, hearty laugh.”

Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-CO), the only Native American in Congress, was absent, having been tricked by the other Senators into trading his senate seat for a bag of delicious, fruit-flavored gummy bears.

Also impressed with the exceptionally polite Native Americans was Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt, who told reporters that the tact, evenness of manner and congeniality of the Native Americans was one of the most touching displays of civic pride that he as an elected official had ever witnessed.

“The behavior of these noble Indians is truly moving,” Babbitt said. “I mean, you’d think they’d be more angry about it, after being force-marched for all those thousands of miles along the Trail of Tears in the dead of winter, dropping like flies from the ravages of smallpox.”

When asked if he favored returning America to them, he replied, “Why, no.” He recommended Native Americans focus their energies on building quality gambling facilities, rather than spending time trying to restore their people’s self-sufficiency and pride. Babbitt could very easily see the government donating money to that cause, “seeing that most states would never sully their own land with the boozing and whoring that so frequently accompanies such endeavors.”

Despite sympathetic reactions, the delegation was not allowed into the legislative chambers due to time constraints, and instead had to deliver its statement and accompanying fruit basket via congressional page. After waiting 17 hours, it formed a circle and invoked the ancient “Mashkawon” ceremony, sitting and chanting quietly to protest the extensive delays.

When the group did not move off the Capitol lawn after being asked to leave by security, the delegation was incinerated by air-to-surface missiles.

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