adBlockCheck

Native Bostonians Unable To Defend Land From Invading College Students

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Native Bostonians Unable To Defend Land From Invading College Students

BOSTON—The now-monthlong invasion carried out by more than 200,000 college students who bombarded this normally quiet, historic city has forced native Bostonians to relinquish their rights as citizens and settle into a new life under occupation.

Members of the first wave of intruders, who took control of Government Center earlier this month.

"This was clearly a highly coordinated operation that had been in the planning stages for months, and in some cases, years," said Boston Mayor Thomas Menino, who has urged calm among the city’s residents. "I regret not reading the warning signs when thousands of them showed up last spring, scouting our highest-profile sites. But Bostonians are a resilient bunch, and we will do what we can to carry on with our lives as normal."

With a convoy of U-Hauls containing supplies that will likely sustain them at least until the start of the holiday season, the students first took over the streets of nearby Cambridge. After gaining control of residential areas in Harvard and Kenmore Squares, they crossed the Charles River into the city’s administrative and financial-aid centers, seizing control of the waterways and Boston’s Green and Red subway lines. Student infiltration of technical laboratories and research facilities in the downtown area all but ensured that they would be able to subvert and eventually dominate the communication and engineering capabilities of this city of 600,000.

"These are highly motivated young people, some of them from foreign countries, with the resources and the desire to take over entire industries," Menino said. "And there’s no doubt they were working with someone on the inside to get this kind of access."

With their concentration in liberal-arts colleges spreading from a centralized location to the outlying suburban areas, the students have made certain that they will maintain a constant presence in all parts of the city.

"There are just too many of them," said 59-year-old Somerville native Jonathan Walsh, who admitted that his tiny militia’s tactics of eye-rolling, scoffing, and yelling from their cars at the occupiers has been a useless attempt to stifle the blitz. "They’ve completely taken over the restaurants, the parks, the concert halls, everything. It doesn’t feel like this is our city anymore."

"I can’t even walk around at night," said 34-year-old Jamaica Plain–born Meagan Gallagher, who added that she must now show her ID before gaining entry to "any little bar in the city," since the students arrived. "And with them getting discounts on movies, food, and books, it’s like I’m a second-class citizen."

The invaders have also managed to effectively take control of the airwaves, subjecting the natives to an eclectic mix of experimental, discordant music, and long, drawn-out political manifestos.

"Over and over again, it’s the same strange songs and public-service announcements," said East Boston resident Joe Kirkpatrick, 57. "It’s torture, in a way, is what it is."

Other residents are complaining that the invading forces, far from merely being a nuisance, are standing in the way of their basic constitutional rights to life and liberty.

Matthew Soisson, 39-year-old husband and father of four, said he was forced out of his three-bedroom home by the vastly better-funded students. "I don’t know where it’s coming from, but some outside source is funneling money to these groups," Soisson said. "Who can compete with that kind of spending?"

Added Soisson: "Things were just so much more peaceful before they showed up."

Reports indicate that Soisson may not see a decline in student numbers in the near future: While many are scheduled to return home in May, a fresh group of newly enlisted students will likely be deployed to relieve them in the fall.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close