adBlockCheck

Native Bostonians Unable To Defend Land From Invading College Students

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Native Bostonians Unable To Defend Land From Invading College Students

BOSTON—The now-monthlong invasion carried out by more than 200,000 college students who bombarded this normally quiet, historic city has forced native Bostonians to relinquish their rights as citizens and settle into a new life under occupation.

Members of the first wave of intruders, who took control of Government Center earlier this month.

"This was clearly a highly coordinated operation that had been in the planning stages for months, and in some cases, years," said Boston Mayor Thomas Menino, who has urged calm among the city’s residents. "I regret not reading the warning signs when thousands of them showed up last spring, scouting our highest-profile sites. But Bostonians are a resilient bunch, and we will do what we can to carry on with our lives as normal."

With a convoy of U-Hauls containing supplies that will likely sustain them at least until the start of the holiday season, the students first took over the streets of nearby Cambridge. After gaining control of residential areas in Harvard and Kenmore Squares, they crossed the Charles River into the city’s administrative and financial-aid centers, seizing control of the waterways and Boston’s Green and Red subway lines. Student infiltration of technical laboratories and research facilities in the downtown area all but ensured that they would be able to subvert and eventually dominate the communication and engineering capabilities of this city of 600,000.

"These are highly motivated young people, some of them from foreign countries, with the resources and the desire to take over entire industries," Menino said. "And there’s no doubt they were working with someone on the inside to get this kind of access."

With their concentration in liberal-arts colleges spreading from a centralized location to the outlying suburban areas, the students have made certain that they will maintain a constant presence in all parts of the city.

"There are just too many of them," said 59-year-old Somerville native Jonathan Walsh, who admitted that his tiny militia’s tactics of eye-rolling, scoffing, and yelling from their cars at the occupiers has been a useless attempt to stifle the blitz. "They’ve completely taken over the restaurants, the parks, the concert halls, everything. It doesn’t feel like this is our city anymore."

"I can’t even walk around at night," said 34-year-old Jamaica Plain–born Meagan Gallagher, who added that she must now show her ID before gaining entry to "any little bar in the city," since the students arrived. "And with them getting discounts on movies, food, and books, it’s like I’m a second-class citizen."

The invaders have also managed to effectively take control of the airwaves, subjecting the natives to an eclectic mix of experimental, discordant music, and long, drawn-out political manifestos.

"Over and over again, it’s the same strange songs and public-service announcements," said East Boston resident Joe Kirkpatrick, 57. "It’s torture, in a way, is what it is."

Other residents are complaining that the invading forces, far from merely being a nuisance, are standing in the way of their basic constitutional rights to life and liberty.

Matthew Soisson, 39-year-old husband and father of four, said he was forced out of his three-bedroom home by the vastly better-funded students. "I don’t know where it’s coming from, but some outside source is funneling money to these groups," Soisson said. "Who can compete with that kind of spending?"

Added Soisson: "Things were just so much more peaceful before they showed up."

Reports indicate that Soisson may not see a decline in student numbers in the near future: While many are scheduled to return home in May, a fresh group of newly enlisted students will likely be deployed to relieve them in the fall.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close