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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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NATO Airstrike Destroys Key Taliban Day Care Center

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following weeks of careful planning, NATO officials revealed Monday that an airstrike had successfully destroyed a vital Taliban day care center in eastern Afghanistan, killing over 45 Taliban babies and toddlers. “I can confirm that on Sunday, coalition forces carried out an attack on a nursery school of considerable strategic importance,” said a spokesman for NATO’s International Security Assistance Force, adding that 11 high-priority 2-and-3-year-old targets were killed during the operation. “The facility was believed to have housed a supply closet containing diapers and snacks, as well as several playrooms and a large nap area. We made sure we ordered the strike during playtime so that we could eliminate targets both in the building and those who were outside running around on the playground with their friends.” The airstrike reportedly marks the second successful military siege against rebel forces this month, after last week’s successful bombing of a key Taliban soccer game.

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