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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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NATO Airstrike Destroys Key Taliban Day Care Center

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following weeks of careful planning, NATO officials revealed Monday that an airstrike had successfully destroyed a vital Taliban day care center in eastern Afghanistan, killing over 45 Taliban babies and toddlers. “I can confirm that on Sunday, coalition forces carried out an attack on a nursery school of considerable strategic importance,” said a spokesman for NATO’s International Security Assistance Force, adding that 11 high-priority 2-and-3-year-old targets were killed during the operation. “The facility was believed to have housed a supply closet containing diapers and snacks, as well as several playrooms and a large nap area. We made sure we ordered the strike during playtime so that we could eliminate targets both in the building and those who were outside running around on the playground with their friends.” The airstrike reportedly marks the second successful military siege against rebel forces this month, after last week’s successful bombing of a key Taliban soccer game.

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