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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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NATO Airstrike Destroys Key Taliban Day Care Center

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following weeks of careful planning, NATO officials revealed Monday that an airstrike had successfully destroyed a vital Taliban day care center in eastern Afghanistan, killing over 45 Taliban babies and toddlers. “I can confirm that on Sunday, coalition forces carried out an attack on a nursery school of considerable strategic importance,” said a spokesman for NATO’s International Security Assistance Force, adding that 11 high-priority 2-and-3-year-old targets were killed during the operation. “The facility was believed to have housed a supply closet containing diapers and snacks, as well as several playrooms and a large nap area. We made sure we ordered the strike during playtime so that we could eliminate targets both in the building and those who were outside running around on the playground with their friends.” The airstrike reportedly marks the second successful military siege against rebel forces this month, after last week’s successful bombing of a key Taliban soccer game.

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