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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Natural Light Very Important To Local Man

HACIENDA HEIGHTS, CA—The natural light of the sun is extremely important to homeowner Gregg Dorner, it was reported Monday. "Natural light definitely opens up the place. The living-room space just breathes a lot more and has a much greater sense of play ever since I installed the skylight," Dorner said. "Natural light also really suffuses the kitchen area and mutes the colors. I think it softens the lines, too." According to neighbor Alexander Faulk, the Dorner home looks "exactly the same" as when artificial lights were used.

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