Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

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Vol 30 Issue 06

The Gay Marriage Debate

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Area Man Demands More Starches

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a "serious increase" in his already prodigious consumption of starches. "Rice, potatoes, corn and wheat products," said the overweight Bierski, his mouth stuffed with Doritos and french fries. "I want a lot more." Bierski, who has eaten two salads in the past 14 years, said he will not rest until his diet is composed solely of carbohydrate-rich foods. "Spaghetti," he added. "Cocoa Pebbles."

Defense Department Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

WASHINGTON, DC—In what was called "a great day" by the nation's educators, a cash-strapped Defense Department held a bake sale in the Pentagon courtyard yesterday to raise money for a new B-1 Bomber. "Gen. William A. Bratton told me we were about $220 million short for the brand-new bomber we all had our hearts set on, so I decided we should hold a big bake sale," said Col. Charles T. Lathrop, who, according to unnamed Pentagon insiders, made more than two dozen lemon cupcakes for the event. "So far, we've raised over 65 dollars." The department plans to follow up the sale with a car wash.

Earth Explodes

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling "surprising," the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and killing all life existing on it. "From all indications, the planet just spontaneously combusted," said James Frye of Stanford's Palomar Observatory. "We'll know more after we examine soil samples."

Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—After more than three days of hiking, canoeing and other outdoor activities, a naturist/nudist outing concluded yesterday with a large boner. "By the time the retreat had ended, there were lots of tired people, worn out from a long weekend of fun but strenuous activity," said Dale Pursner, tour leader for the Southern Exposure Naturist Getaways outing. "There also were a lot of stiffies."

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