Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work

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Vol 40 Issue 33

Waiting-Room Copy Of People Brings Area Man Up To Speed On Paris Hilton

TULSA, OK—While waiting to see dermatologist Rawson Meyers, Randy Slocum was "brought up to speed" on the life of Paris Hilton by an Aug. 9 issue of People magazine Monday. "I never quite knew what Paris Hilton did, besides get some home-sex tape put on the Internet," Slocum said during the 18 minutes he spent waiting to have a benign mole removed. "Well, it turns out she wrapped up a second season of The Simple Life, this TV show she does with Lionel Richie's daughter. And she was dating some guy named Nick Carter, but they broke up." An article about Jessica Simpson also cleared up Slocum's previous assumption that Hilton starred in the MTV reality show Newlyweds.

Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant

TUCSON, AZ—Human-resources manager Dave Buckner, 27, said Monday that longtime girlfriend Janice Feener, 24, has been "a lot more clingy" ever since July, when she learned she was pregnant with his child. "All of a sudden, she's saying 'I love you' six times a day and wants to sit around hugging on the couch all night," Buckner said. "I'm not sure what's gotten into her, but it's getting really annoying." Buckner added that there's no way he can stand six and a half more months of Feener's behavior, and is considering buying her a puppy to keep her company.

Personal Life A Total Waste Of Time

ALTOONA, PA—Stockbroker Donald Guy, 38, announced Monday that his non-work life is "a complete waste of time." "I spent the weekend reading, watching movies, and visiting friends." Guy said. "I didn't get a damn thing done." He added that he might have gotten more accomplished Sunday had he not been burdened with the need to go swimming with his wife and children.

State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack

COLUMBIA, SC—Gov. Mark Sanford spoke out Monday in favor of changing his state's bird from the Carolina wren to "anything else" following the ninth unprovoked wren attack this year. "In light of last week's events, I strongly feel the wren is no longer a good representative for the state of South Carolina," Sanford said, referring to Friday's tragic dive-bombing and pecking incident at a Myrtle Beach preschool. "Maybe it's time we recognize one of our more docile birds, like the robin or the magnolia warbler." Sanford advised anyone hearing the wren's cries of "tea-kettle, tea-kettle" to run for cover immediately.

Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary

WASHINGTON, DC—Republican congressmen lambasted the documentary Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster for its "gross inaccuracies and fabrications" Monday. "[Filmmakers] Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky are clearly biased," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "By editing together concert footage from three different mediocre shows, they have given the general public a false impression that Metallica still kicks ass." Hastert added that there is no hard evidence to support the film's argument that the album St. Anger has more thrashing riffs than Kill 'Em All.

Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It

WASHINGTON, DC—After four different color schemes, a Tiki phase, and more than three years spent rearranging furniture, President Bush has the Oval Office set up just the way he wants it, the chief executive said in an informal press conference Monday.

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

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Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work

GRAND FORKS, ND—Erotic baker Kevin Nageli has experienced a decline in the quality of his work following a recent reduction in his sex drive, Naughty Bites sources said Monday.

Nageli and one of his recent creations (below).

"I feel bad saying it, but Kevin's really in a slump," said Hal DiPrima, Nageli's longtime friend and business partner. "There was a time no marzipan penis could compare to a Kevin Nageli. Now, though, look at this tray of cocks. No definition. The external urethral orifice is just a pinhole, and the texture of the shaft is all wrong. They just droop over the baking sheets. What am I going to tell the bachelorettes?"

Naughty Bites is a three-time winner of Grand Forks Magazine's "Best Place To Browse When You're Feeling Kooky" award, due in large part to the precision that once defined a Nageli erotic cake. His expertise was seen in all his work—from relatively tame bikini-clad breasts reading "Bon Voyage!" to the more-graphic, penis-shaped cakes reading "Make A Wish And Blow!"

"The erotic bakery business is detail-oriented, but even I used to be amazed by the way Kevin would spend three hours a day shaving tiny curlicues off a hunk of dark chocolate, because he wanted the pubic hair to look just right," DiPrima said, shaking his head as he boxed a cake that read "Eat Me, Birthday Boy." "Now, he just takes a scoop of black sprinkles and dumps it over the iced vaginas. Somewhere under that lumpish mass is a Gummi Bear clitoris, but you'd never know it."

By his own estimates, Nageli's business and marriage were going strong until May, when the pressures resulting from the birth of his second child and his mother-in-law's decision to move into the Nageli home caused sexual relations with his wife of five years to ebb. Nageli said he has found his attention diverted away from sex and sexy cakes alike.

"As you get older, sometimes the things that practically defined your life when you were younger become less important," Nageli said. "Lately, sex is the last thing on my mind. These days, all I want to do is finish my business as quickly as possible so I can go away, smoke a cigarette, and relax in front of the TV. But try telling that to my wife. Or my customers."

Nageli didn't seem particularly bothered by his attitude shift.

"Yeah, occasionally customers used to say stuff like they hated to eat my 'You're the purr-fect valentine' pussy cakes, because they were fascinated by all the intricate labial folds piped around the vagina," Nageli said. "But lately, I've come around to thinking that a spatula does essentially the same trick as a pastry tube. I mean, a vulva's a vulva, right?"

Naughty cake

Nageli has even begun to design cakes without erotic content, such as a rectangular, two-layer cake he decorates to resemble a hardcover copy of the bestselling book Tuesdays With Morrie.

Nageli's business partner said he was "dismayed" by the baker's post-sexual period.

"I cannot sell a cake shaped like a remote control in an erotic bakery," DiPrima said. "Maybe I can make it look like a vibrator if I flick off these candy buttons. But only a pervert would think this resembles something you put up your ass."

Nageli's personal and professional decline is not unique. Erotic baker Brad Hicks, who closed his Oshkosh, WI establishment The Sexy Sweet Shoppe in February 2000, complained of similar disillusionment, which he described as "classic burnout."

"I'm not sure if my divorce caused me to lose inspiration for my work, or if it was making those endless Torpedo Tit Tarts that destroyed my marriage," said Hicks, now a postal worker. "But at some point, a little voice inside my head said, "Brad, if you don't care how 'come' is spelled on a cake, maybe the naughty-pastry business isn't the place for you anymore.'"

Using milk to thin the batter for what would eventually become a sagging breast cake, Nageli admitted that he could understand why an erotic-cake customer might not want to buy one of his newer creations.

"I realize most of my customers would prefer cakes that said 'Eat Me' instead of 'Maybe Later, Baby,'" Nageli said. "But maybe there's a hidden, untapped novelty pastry market for people just like me."

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