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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet

NEW YORK—Although he is adept at fashioning representations of genitalia out of raw meats, ranging from pork belly to giblets, 36-year-old erotic butcher Eric Barnard told reporters Monday that the creation he is most proud of is his penis-shaped veal cutlet. "The Cock Chop is by far our best seller," said Barnard, who uses lamb tendon to achieve the extremely realistic veined effect on his popular phallic novelty steak. "It's perfect for bachelorette barbecues, gay birthday cookouts, or just as a nice gift for someone who loves to grill and has a sense of humor." Barnard, a two-time winner of New York magazine's "Best Kinky Meats" award, is also renowned for his chicken-neck vulvas, which he said are ideal for naughty stews.

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