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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet

NEW YORK—Although he is adept at fashioning representations of genitalia out of raw meats, ranging from pork belly to giblets, 36-year-old erotic butcher Eric Barnard told reporters Monday that the creation he is most proud of is his penis-shaped veal cutlet. "The Cock Chop is by far our best seller," said Barnard, who uses lamb tendon to achieve the extremely realistic veined effect on his popular phallic novelty steak. "It's perfect for bachelorette barbecues, gay birthday cookouts, or just as a nice gift for someone who loves to grill and has a sense of humor." Barnard, a two-time winner of New York magazine's "Best Kinky Meats" award, is also renowned for his chicken-neck vulvas, which he said are ideal for naughty stews.

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