adBlockCheck

Local

Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Navy Admiral Considers Death Of Son Within Acceptable Loss Range

SAN DIEGO–At a Monday press conference from the steps of his home, Navy Admiral William McManus categorized the death of his son in a weekend car crash as "a casualty within the acceptable loss range for this family."

Admiral McManus.

"The unforeseeable death of my son is tragic," said McManus, clad in full Navy dress. "No one ever wants to see a young life lost. However, even as the family weeps, we must keep in mind that the damage to our unit is minimal. We have the personnel and emotional reserves necessary to move forward."

At approximately 7:25 p.m. PST Saturday, while driving to a movie in a heavy downpour, Matthew McManus, 17, spun out of control and collided with a tree, killing the teenager and girlfriend Alicia Reginio, 16.

The elder McManus said that, had one of his other three children been in the car with Matthew instead of his girlfriend, the damage to the family would have increased by "at least a factor of two."

"Luckily, only one of the Dodge Daytona's crew members, the pilot, was a member of the McManus family," McManus said. "Had there been multiple family members on board, the loss would have been more difficult to sustain. But as such, only one of six, or 17 percent of total McManus family members, were lost."

According to McManus, the death of either himself or his wife Rose would have been far more devastating.

"Last night, Rose said she wished she'd been the one who died in that crash," McManus said. "But, from a purely tactical standpoint, this is absurd. Under such a scenario, the family would lose not only a valuable income source, but also parental leadership for the remaining children. Also, Rose is still within reasonable child-bearing years, making it possible for us to rebuild our ranks with another child. Matthew, as an unmarried teen, would not have been able to do that within the bounds of God's laws for a number of years."

Even though casualties were "minimal and contained," McManus acknowledged that the accident has weakened family morale. The admiral has attempted to boost his surviving children's spirits by increasing their weekly allowances, doubling dessert rations, and extending weekend curfew. Efforts to provide his wife with back-up and support, however, have met with less success.

"I keep telling Rose that not getting past Matthew's death is a disgrace to his memory and to what he did for us and this great country of ours," McManus said. "But she just keeps saying I shouldn't have let him take the car out in that driving rainstorm. No matter how many times I tell her that visibility was 200 feet and the terrain on South Bay Freeway navigable, she remains steadfastly unconvinced."

McManus said both he and his wife knew the risks when they entered into Project: Offspring, and that she should have expected, at the very least, minimal casualties.

"I'm a pragmatic father," McManus said. "I realize that in this life, you are never going to have a 100 percent target-strike rate. So I decided long ago that if at least two of my four children graduated from Annapolis, I would be happy. I'm just glad that our family still has the numbers to make this happen."

Fellow officer and friend Lt. Roger Trimble expressed regret over the death of McManus' son.

"I know that Matthew's passing upset Admiral McManus a great deal," Trimble said. "I don't think I've ever seen him take a leave of absence, but after his son's death, he took off two full days."

"In terms of the strength of the unit, Matthew's death was the least damaging," Trimble continued. "To be blunt, Matthew was strictly 4-F. The other two boys are more responsible with brighter futures. And I know Rose really hopes that Michelle will get married and bear grandchildren in the next few years. Matthew was always getting into trouble. Even though he was a valued member of the family, he certainly wasn't going to win any medals."

McManus said he loved his son despite his weaknesses.

"I would love my son even if he decided to join the Marines," McManus said. "But when I look at the situation, I think back to what Admiral William R. Booker said when his daughter fell off a cliff during a hiking trip. 'You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs,' he said. These words still ring true today."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings