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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NBA Analysts: If Playoffs Started Today, They Would Be Over By A Decent Time

NEW YORK—Basketball analysts nationwide are generally in agreement that, if the pro-basketball playoffs were to start at this time, they would actually be over by a reasonable date for once instead of dragging on through the middle of the summer. "The numbers we're looking at support the idea that just beginning the quarterfinals in early March would have us going about the rest of our lives by mid-May, instead of having to pretend that we're still riveted by the Spurs' consistent winning and the Knicks' reliable losing at that time," said Kenny Smith of TNT's Inside The NBA. "I mean, I love basketball, but really, by the time it's nice outside, the last thing I want to do is hang around the gym and marvel at the Pistons' rebounding stats." Most analysts also commented that, if the NBA finals began today, they would "probably watch" every game.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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