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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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NBA Announcer Would Hate To See It Come Down To That

BOSTON—Citing that thus far it had been a cleanly played game in which both teams were playing excellent basketball on both ends of the court, NBA announcer Jon Barry said he could plausibly imagine a situation in which the outcome of the contest would be determined by a petty action antithetical to the spirit of basketball, a dispiriting event he would hate to witness. "Not only would I hate to see it come down to that, but most important, basketball fans in this arena as well as those watching around the world deserve better," said Barry, adding that if and when this type of thing happens, one has to question whether or not certain rules should be looked at more closely or possibly even changed. "It would just be a real shame." Commentators Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson agreed with Barry, stating that as a former coach and player respectively, they also hated when it came down to that, but grudgingly acknowledged it was just part of the game.

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