adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

NBA Announcer Would Hate To See It Come Down To That

BOSTON—Citing that thus far it had been a cleanly played game in which both teams were playing excellent basketball on both ends of the court, NBA announcer Jon Barry said he could plausibly imagine a situation in which the outcome of the contest would be determined by a petty action antithetical to the spirit of basketball, a dispiriting event he would hate to witness. "Not only would I hate to see it come down to that, but most important, basketball fans in this arena as well as those watching around the world deserve better," said Barry, adding that if and when this type of thing happens, one has to question whether or not certain rules should be looked at more closely or possibly even changed. "It would just be a real shame." Commentators Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson agreed with Barry, stating that as a former coach and player respectively, they also hated when it came down to that, but grudgingly acknowledged it was just part of the game.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close