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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NBA Announces Initiative To Reduce League’s Garbage Time By 50%

NEW YORK—Stressing that U.S. professional basketball remains woefully behind foreign leagues in maintaining close and exciting games, the NBA unveiled a new initiative Friday intended to reduce garbage time by 50 percent. “We’re hoping that by 2017 at least half of the closing minutes identified as a complete and total waste can be eliminated,” said NBA spokesperson Mark Broussard, who claimed that the effort will target the endings of blowouts that are rarely consumed by viewing audiences, which could ideally be repurposed into exciting back-and-forth finishes. “Teams are beginning to recognize that a 25-point win is unnecessary and excessive, and we’re optimistic that this program will encourage them to take only the points they actually need heading into the end of the fourth quarter. If they are able to trim these enormous leads, we expect this initiative to go a long way toward improving the game’s competitive environment and NBA sustainability.” Broussard added that league conservationists are also reevaluating the benefits and efficiency of fueling crowd noise with electrifying dunks.

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