NBA Announces Initiative To Reduce League’s Garbage Time By 50%

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Vol 50 Issue 14

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Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.

Report Finds Steady Rise In Stay-At-Home Mothers

According to a new report by the Pew Institute, the number of stay-at-home mothers has risen significantly over the past decade, with more than 29 percent of mothers with children under 18 staying home in 2012.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

NBA Announces Initiative To Reduce League’s Garbage Time By 50%

NEW YORK—Stressing that U.S. professional basketball remains woefully behind foreign leagues in maintaining close and exciting games, the NBA unveiled a new initiative Friday intended to reduce garbage time by 50 percent. “We’re hoping that by 2017 at least half of the closing minutes identified as a complete and total waste can be eliminated,” said NBA spokesperson Mark Broussard, who claimed that the effort will target the endings of blowouts that are rarely consumed by viewing audiences, which could ideally be repurposed into exciting back-and-forth finishes. “Teams are beginning to recognize that a 25-point win is unnecessary and excessive, and we’re optimistic that this program will encourage them to take only the points they actually need heading into the end of the fourth quarter. If they are able to trim these enormous leads, we expect this initiative to go a long way toward improving the game’s competitive environment and NBA sustainability.” Broussard added that league conservationists are also reevaluating the benefits and efficiency of fueling crowd noise with electrifying dunks.

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