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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

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Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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NBA Arrested For Marijuana Possession

NEW YORK—The National Basketball Association is in custody today after law enforcement officials found the professional sports league to be in possession of more than 4,800 ounces of high-potency marijuana with a street value exceeding $2 million.

"We have had our suspicions about the association for years," said Thomas Harrigan, chief of operations for the Drug Enforcement Administration, who aided local law enforcement in making the bust by supplying them with several hundred tips from fans, commentators, entertainers, known NBA associates, and even players. "The NBA's overall attitude, the company it kept, the iconography it favored—and perhaps most of all, the frequent and open admissions of marijuana use—indicated to us there was a high probability the league was in fact using marijuana."

Coordinated operations carried out in 27 major metropolitan areas resulted in the arrest of the 65-year-old professional sports league Thursday afternoon when officers, responding to reports of a "funny smell" coming from the NBA, decided the odor had a high probability of being drug-related. Upon gaining access to the NBA's residences, vehicles, and places of business, and subsequently asking the association to empty its pockets, officers found substances that turned out, upon inspection, to be various forms of cannabis.

In addition, police seized several hundred water pipes and high-temperature vaporizers, several large grow lights or complicated grow-light arrays, a number of hydroponic farming setups, and dozens of mature and carefully tended marijuana plants.

Legal experts said the incident is potentially the most embarrassing arrest of a sports league in U.S. history, far worse than the NFL's 1993 arrest for domestic battery, college lacrosse's 2009 arrest for attempting to purchase 400 doses of Rohypnol from an undercover police officer, or Major League Baseball's nine DUIs.

"We're really not exactly sure of the extent of the NBA's involvement with pot, but we know they're habitual users," Harrigan said in a press conference this morning. "We should note that the association itself did not appear to be under the influence of marijuana when we confronted it. Commissioner [David] Stern was extremely forthcoming with us, and of course the conference finals have been as competitive and hard-fought as you could ask for. But the fact remains: The signs of regular marijuana use are just all over that league."

Arresting officers do not believe the NBA poses a flight risk, and it is expected to be released this afternoon upon posting a $54 million bond. Commissioner Stern, who was not involved in the arrest, announced the playoffs will continue as scheduled, but said he will consider handing down stiff suspensions in the offseason, particularly if the league fails proposed regular drug tests.

"The NBA cannot afford to be seen as tacitly condoning marijuana use, especially after taking such great pains to rid ourselves of the stigma of arrogant, sexually insatiable millionaires," Stern said. "We owe it to our fans to be better than that. I can only imagine the kind of crowds we'd attract if the National Basketball Association became synonymous with pot."

If convicted of all 1,346 charges, the NBA would face, at the very least, a jail term of up to six months and a fine of up to $150,000, and it would likely have its driver's license suspended for a year. In addition, the league may be required to attend a drug education class, the cost of which would be paid for by garnishing its wages.

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