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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To

Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome

MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts reportedly ruled out all of the things that the Finals will not come down to, including library books, the 1991 action-comedy film Hudson Hawk, and mail. “For all the chatter that’s surrounding tonight’s contest, when everything’s said and done, pens, John Cheever, and whether ferns require direct sunlight just aren’t going to come into play,” said NBA On ABC analyst Mike Breen, while systematically listing every single person, place, object, event, and concept that likely would not impact the pivotal championship game in the end, such as ocelots, the Stockholm School of economic thought, and rice noodles. “The fact is, after that final whistle blows, sea levels, cotton, Minsk, cell phone data plans, faucets, Incan burial rites, selenium, ribbon, bulldozers, light-emitting diodes, romaine lettuce, spelling, napkins, sustainable design, Space Shuttle Endeavor, gravel, the Frankfurt Auto Show, pumpkin recipes, chairs, strategic petroleum reserves, Erik Spoelstra’s coaching ability, interstate commerce, hiking trails of the Great Smoky Mountains, acoustics, the deceptions of nostalgia, tunnels, wheat, and Peter Gabriel’s ‘Sledgehammer’ video just won’t have been a factor on the court. This isn’t the Western Conference Finals we’re talking about, after all.” Though at press time Breen and his colleagues were just three hours into enumerating those things that would not influence the outcome of Game 6, sources close to the analysts have confirmed that the commentators are also planning on cataloging the things that will in fact affect the matchup, a far shorter list that consists solely of the Spurs and Heat rosters, how well these players perform, and Spanish Colonial architecture.

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