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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To

Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome

MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts reportedly ruled out all of the things that the Finals will not come down to, including library books, the 1991 action-comedy film Hudson Hawk, and mail. “For all the chatter that’s surrounding tonight’s contest, when everything’s said and done, pens, John Cheever, and whether ferns require direct sunlight just aren’t going to come into play,” said NBA On ABC analyst Mike Breen, while systematically listing every single person, place, object, event, and concept that likely would not impact the pivotal championship game in the end, such as ocelots, the Stockholm School of economic thought, and rice noodles. “The fact is, after that final whistle blows, sea levels, cotton, Minsk, cell phone data plans, faucets, Incan burial rites, selenium, ribbon, bulldozers, light-emitting diodes, romaine lettuce, spelling, napkins, sustainable design, Space Shuttle Endeavor, gravel, the Frankfurt Auto Show, pumpkin recipes, chairs, strategic petroleum reserves, Erik Spoelstra’s coaching ability, interstate commerce, hiking trails of the Great Smoky Mountains, acoustics, the deceptions of nostalgia, tunnels, wheat, and Peter Gabriel’s ‘Sledgehammer’ video just won’t have been a factor on the court. This isn’t the Western Conference Finals we’re talking about, after all.” Though at press time Breen and his colleagues were just three hours into enumerating those things that would not influence the outcome of Game 6, sources close to the analysts have confirmed that the commentators are also planning on cataloging the things that will in fact affect the matchup, a far shorter list that consists solely of the Spurs and Heat rosters, how well these players perform, and Spanish Colonial architecture.

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