NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To

Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome

MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts reportedly ruled out all of the things that the Finals will not come down to, including library books, the 1991 action-comedy film Hudson Hawk, and mail. “For all the chatter that’s surrounding tonight’s contest, when everything’s said and done, pens, John Cheever, and whether ferns require direct sunlight just aren’t going to come into play,” said NBA On ABC analyst Mike Breen, while systematically listing every single person, place, object, event, and concept that likely would not impact the pivotal championship game in the end, such as ocelots, the Stockholm School of economic thought, and rice noodles. “The fact is, after that final whistle blows, sea levels, cotton, Minsk, cell phone data plans, faucets, Incan burial rites, selenium, ribbon, bulldozers, light-emitting diodes, romaine lettuce, spelling, napkins, sustainable design, Space Shuttle Endeavor, gravel, the Frankfurt Auto Show, pumpkin recipes, chairs, strategic petroleum reserves, Erik Spoelstra’s coaching ability, interstate commerce, hiking trails of the Great Smoky Mountains, acoustics, the deceptions of nostalgia, tunnels, wheat, and Peter Gabriel’s ‘Sledgehammer’ video just won’t have been a factor on the court. This isn’t the Western Conference Finals we’re talking about, after all.” Though at press time Breen and his colleagues were just three hours into enumerating those things that would not influence the outcome of Game 6, sources close to the analysts have confirmed that the commentators are also planning on cataloging the things that will in fact affect the matchup, a far shorter list that consists solely of the Spurs and Heat rosters, how well these players perform, and Spanish Colonial architecture.


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