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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NBA Fan Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Zaza Pachulia In A Warriors Uniform

NEW YORK—Saying that he is thrown for a loop every time he sees the player this season, local 29-year-old NBA fan Jon Westmoreland admitted to reporters Tuesday that he still hasn’t become accustomed to the sight of veteran center Zaza Pachulia in a Golden State Warriors uniform. “It just doesn’t look right, seeing Zaza in that blue-and-gold jersey with the Warriors logo on his chest,” said Westmoreland, adding that after years of watching the Georgian big man play for the Magic, Bucks, Hawks, and Mavericks, it’s strange to see Pachulia wearing anything other than an electric-blue, green, red-and-black, or royal-blue uniform. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. I wish he had just stayed in Orlando, Atlanta, Milwaukee, or Dallas.” Westmoreland added that he believes Pachulia “sold out” when the center decided to join forces with Warriors stars Kevon Looney, Ian Clark, and Patrick McCaw.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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