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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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NBA Fan Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Zaza Pachulia In A Warriors Uniform

NEW YORK—Saying that he is thrown for a loop every time he sees the player this season, local 29-year-old NBA fan Jon Westmoreland admitted to reporters Tuesday that he still hasn’t become accustomed to the sight of veteran center Zaza Pachulia in a Golden State Warriors uniform. “It just doesn’t look right, seeing Zaza in that blue-and-gold jersey with the Warriors logo on his chest,” said Westmoreland, adding that after years of watching the Georgian big man play for the Magic, Bucks, Hawks, and Mavericks, it’s strange to see Pachulia wearing anything other than an electric-blue, green, red-and-black, or royal-blue uniform. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. I wish he had just stayed in Orlando, Atlanta, Milwaukee, or Dallas.” Westmoreland added that he believes Pachulia “sold out” when the center decided to join forces with Warriors stars Kevon Looney, Ian Clark, and Patrick McCaw.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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