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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NBA Honors Chris Paul For Heroically Saving Ball From Going Out Of Bounds

NEW YORK—The NBA honored Hornets point guard Chris Paul Wednesday for heroically stepping in front of a stray pass and saving the basketball from going out of bounds. "Chris deserves to be commended for his selfless act, as many players would have just stood and watched while the out-of-control ball flew helplessly into the stands," league commissioner David Stern said while presenting Paul with the NBA Medal of Valor, basketball's second-highest civilian honor, for his bravery during the Apr. 8 game against the Phoenix Suns."I don't even want to think about what would have happened if Chris wasn't there. But thankfully he was, and he prevented the tragic loss of a key possession late in the game." Paul said that he has not seen or talked with the ball since saving it from going out of bounds.

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