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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NBA, NHL Seasons Begin

NEW YORK—In what sports fans across the nation are calling uncannily perfect timing, both the National Basketball Association and the National Hockey League apparently opened their respective regular seasons Monday, just 20 hours after the conclusion of Sunday's exciting Super Bowl. "I was watching highlights of the Giants' victory parade on ESPN, and I saw on the sports ticker that the Toronto Raptors upset the [Miami] Heat, and I was like, 'Oh, basketball already?'" Brad Saunders, 34, told reporters, adding that even though the Heat had suffered a 9-36 preseason, Saunders believes the team will start playing better now that everything officially counts. "And I'm not that big of a hockey fan, but I read something somewhere about how the NHL played their All-Star game already, and I think having it before the season opener was a pretty interesting idea." Saunders echoed the sentiments of millions by adding that he would be tuning in to both sports until they conclude on Feb. 14, when MLB pitchers and catchers report to spring training.

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