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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NBA Praises Julius Hodge For Getting Shot In Non-Controversial Fashion

DENVER—NBA commissioner David Stern proudly announced Tuesday that Denver Nuggets guard Julius Hodge was simply minding his own business while driving home from a Denver nightclub when he was shot in the leg three times. "It's a testament to the quality of character in the NBA that the only thing Julius Hodge was guilty of was being at the wrong place at the wrong time," said a beaming Stern to a group of reporters who were assembled to hear the announcement of the non-scandal. "Julius is a role model, not only for young NBA fans out there, but also other players in the league, specifically Paul Pierce and former New Jersey Nets forward Jason Williams." Stern was also careful to note that Hodge was not listening to rap music in his unremarkable, standard-factory-wheel-equipped four-door sedan at the time he was shot.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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