The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.
DENVER—NBA commissioner David Stern proudly announced Tuesday that Denver Nuggets guard Julius Hodge was simply minding his own business while driving home from a Denver nightclub when he was shot in the leg three times. "It's a testament to the quality of character in the NBA that the only thing Julius Hodge was guilty of was being at the wrong place at the wrong time," said a beaming Stern to a group of reporters who were assembled to hear the announcement of the non-scandal. "Julius is a role model, not only for young NBA fans out there, but also other players in the league, specifically Paul Pierce and former New Jersey Nets forward Jason Williams." Stern was also careful to note that Hodge was not listening to rap music in his unremarkable, standard-factory-wheel-equipped four-door sedan at the time he was shot.