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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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NBA Praises Julius Hodge For Getting Shot In Non-Controversial Fashion

DENVER—NBA commissioner David Stern proudly announced Tuesday that Denver Nuggets guard Julius Hodge was simply minding his own business while driving home from a Denver nightclub when he was shot in the leg three times. "It's a testament to the quality of character in the NBA that the only thing Julius Hodge was guilty of was being at the wrong place at the wrong time," said a beaming Stern to a group of reporters who were assembled to hear the announcement of the non-scandal. "Julius is a role model, not only for young NBA fans out there, but also other players in the league, specifically Paul Pierce and former New Jersey Nets forward Jason Williams." Stern was also careful to note that Hodge was not listening to rap music in his unremarkable, standard-factory-wheel-equipped four-door sedan at the time he was shot.
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