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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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NBA Referees Turn Off 'Goaltending,' 'Out-Of-Bounds,' Turn On 'Unlimited Turbo' For Conference Finals

NEW YORK—In addition to their decision to allow goaltending and out- of-bounds for the duration of this year's NBA Conference Finals, NBA referees announced yesterday that players will also be permitted to use their Unlimited Turbo option, a feature that allows them to deliver high-powered defensive shoves, makes it so they never have to expend any energy, and gives them the ability to perform helicopter- style dunks from as far back as the half-court line at all times without waiting to power up. "We're really going to go with a 'let them play' approach this year—for instance, to open things up a little more, all games will be two-on-two, players will be officially 'On Fire' after making three shots in a row, and in the event the Bulls or Suns advance, they will be allowed to play alongside their respective mascots," said NBA referee Dick Bavetta, adding that players will also be given the option to let their heads expand to many times their usual size and to play alongside former U.S. president Bill Clinton. "This is going to be a pretty fun and addictive conference finals." NBA analyst Steven A. Smith stated that Cleveland's tandem of Mark Price and Brad Daugherty "doesn't stand a chance" against Detroit's Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer.

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