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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NBA Referees Turn Off 'Goaltending,' 'Out-Of-Bounds,' Turn On 'Unlimited Turbo' For Conference Finals

NEW YORK—In addition to their decision to allow goaltending and out- of-bounds for the duration of this year's NBA Conference Finals, NBA referees announced yesterday that players will also be permitted to use their Unlimited Turbo option, a feature that allows them to deliver high-powered defensive shoves, makes it so they never have to expend any energy, and gives them the ability to perform helicopter- style dunks from as far back as the half-court line at all times without waiting to power up. "We're really going to go with a 'let them play' approach this year—for instance, to open things up a little more, all games will be two-on-two, players will be officially 'On Fire' after making three shots in a row, and in the event the Bulls or Suns advance, they will be allowed to play alongside their respective mascots," said NBA referee Dick Bavetta, adding that players will also be given the option to let their heads expand to many times their usual size and to play alongside former U.S. president Bill Clinton. "This is going to be a pretty fun and addictive conference finals." NBA analyst Steven A. Smith stated that Cleveland's tandem of Mark Price and Brad Daugherty "doesn't stand a chance" against Detroit's Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer.

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