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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NBA Season Opens With Record Seven Scoreless Ties

NEW YORK—NBA officials are remaining quiet on the subject of the 2005-06 season's unusual opening week, in which seven games so far have opened with 0-0 ties. "I think that, despite what anyone may say about disappointing results, these games have proven that basketball can, in fact, be an exciting defense-oriented sport," Commissioner David Stern said during a press conference Thursday morning, after Wednesday's Milwaukee-New Jersey, New York-Boston, and Miami-Memphis contests ended with the score even at zero, exactly as in Tuesday's Milwaukee-Philadelphia and Dallas-Phoenix games. "I've talked to team owners and coaches, and while they're not happy with these final scores, the sudden increase in popularity among soccer-mad European and South American countries has made up for it somewhat." Stern had no comment on Tuesday's Denver-San Antonio game, in which the Nuggets shut out the defending champion Spurs 89-0.

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