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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NBA Season Opens With Record Seven Scoreless Ties

NEW YORK—NBA officials are remaining quiet on the subject of the 2005-06 season's unusual opening week, in which seven games so far have opened with 0-0 ties. "I think that, despite what anyone may say about disappointing results, these games have proven that basketball can, in fact, be an exciting defense-oriented sport," Commissioner David Stern said during a press conference Thursday morning, after Wednesday's Milwaukee-New Jersey, New York-Boston, and Miami-Memphis contests ended with the score even at zero, exactly as in Tuesday's Milwaukee-Philadelphia and Dallas-Phoenix games. "I've talked to team owners and coaches, and while they're not happy with these final scores, the sudden increase in popularity among soccer-mad European and South American countries has made up for it somewhat." Stern had no comment on Tuesday's Denver-San Antonio game, in which the Nuggets shut out the defending champion Spurs 89-0.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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