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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NBA To Experiment With 3-Minute Games

NEW YORK—NBA commissioner David Stern held a press conference Monday to announce that the National Basketball Association was phasing out full-length games and would begin experimenting with three-minute contests starting in February.

"Nobody, including the players, cares about those first 45 minutes anyway," said Stern, adding that video analysis of prior NBA games consistently showed that players don't play defense, run, or show any amount of passion until the game's final two minutes. "This gives participants one whole minute to get the feel of the game, which some think is still a waste of time. Hopefully this will all work out so we can get the entire season over with by March." In related news, National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman released a statement Tuesday saying that the NHL is considering switching to a nine-inning, all-baseball format by June.

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