NBA Viewers Ruled Out Until Playoffs

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Vol 50 Issue 14

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Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

NBA Viewers Ruled Out Until Playoffs

NEW YORK—Putting a noticeable damper on the final week of the regular season, sources confirmed Wednesday that NBA viewers have been officially ruled out until the playoffs. “Simply put, there’s no chance that NBA viewers will see any game time over the next week or so,” said ESPN reporter Chris Broussard, explaining that having virtually nothing at stake in the remaining games ultimately played a very significant part in the decision. “I’m not saying it’s impossible, but to even say they’ll be back by the first round of the playoffs is very, very optimistic. I doubt they’ll return before the finals, and even then, it’ll most likely just be for the deciding games.” Broussard added that the development comes as no surprise to those familiar with the situation, as most viewers had already missed the majority of the regular season.

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