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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NBA's Eastern Conference Sends Four Players To All-Star Game

LAS VEGAS—With the teams comprising the NBA's Eastern Conference a combined 18 games below .500, fans and coaches saw it fit to only send four players from the struggling division to this year's NBA All-Star Game. "To fill out an entire roster would have been impossible," said Eastern Conference head coach Eddie Jordan, who will play Gilbert Arenas, Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, and Chauncey Billups for the contest's entire 48 minutes. "I mean, who else is out there? Shaq is old and hurt, Vince Carter can't even get his team to .500, and I don't even know who Chris Bosh is." In order to make things fair, Jordan said, he is hoping that Western Conference coach Mike D'Antoni will fulfill Jordan's request to give him one player from the Western squad, count all Eastern Conference baskets as three points, and for D'Antoni to not play any of his tall players.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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