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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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NBA's Eastern Conference Sends Four Players To All-Star Game

LAS VEGAS—With the teams comprising the NBA's Eastern Conference a combined 18 games below .500, fans and coaches saw it fit to only send four players from the struggling division to this year's NBA All-Star Game. "To fill out an entire roster would have been impossible," said Eastern Conference head coach Eddie Jordan, who will play Gilbert Arenas, Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, and Chauncey Billups for the contest's entire 48 minutes. "I mean, who else is out there? Shaq is old and hurt, Vince Carter can't even get his team to .500, and I don't even know who Chris Bosh is." In order to make things fair, Jordan said, he is hoping that Western Conference coach Mike D'Antoni will fulfill Jordan's request to give him one player from the Western squad, count all Eastern Conference baskets as three points, and for D'Antoni to not play any of his tall players.

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