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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow

TAMPA BAY, FL—Seasonal prognosticator of all seasonal prognosticators Mike Holmgren, commonly known as "San Fran Mike," emerged from his hidey-hole underneath the NBC football analyst's desk on Super Bowl Sunday, saw his shadow, and retreated again into his burrow, indicating to the excited 4,000-person crowd that there would be seven more months before the NFL plays its next official game. As per tradition, a top-hat-and-tuxedo wearing Jerome Bettis rapped the top of the desk three times with his walking stick, peered under the table, and cajoled Holmgren gently before picking the hairy mammal up by his waist and displaying him to the gathered crowd as the creature's arms and legs hung limply. "The Holmgren is so cute," 11-year-old Tara Means said. "I want to pet it." NBC anchor Bob Costas appeared visibly agitated throughout the entire ceremony and could be heard anxiously telling his colleagues that he could have sworn the same exact thing happened yesterday.

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