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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow

TAMPA BAY, FL—Seasonal prognosticator of all seasonal prognosticators Mike Holmgren, commonly known as "San Fran Mike," emerged from his hidey-hole underneath the NBC football analyst's desk on Super Bowl Sunday, saw his shadow, and retreated again into his burrow, indicating to the excited 4,000-person crowd that there would be seven more months before the NFL plays its next official game. As per tradition, a top-hat-and-tuxedo wearing Jerome Bettis rapped the top of the desk three times with his walking stick, peered under the table, and cajoled Holmgren gently before picking the hairy mammal up by his waist and displaying him to the gathered crowd as the creature's arms and legs hung limply. "The Holmgren is so cute," 11-year-old Tara Means said. "I want to pet it." NBC anchor Bob Costas appeared visibly agitated throughout the entire ceremony and could be heard anxiously telling his colleagues that he could have sworn the same exact thing happened yesterday.

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