adBlockCheck

NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow

TAMPA BAY, FL—Seasonal prognosticator of all seasonal prognosticators Mike Holmgren, commonly known as "San Fran Mike," emerged from his hidey-hole underneath the NBC football analyst's desk on Super Bowl Sunday, saw his shadow, and retreated again into his burrow, indicating to the excited 4,000-person crowd that there would be seven more months before the NFL plays its next official game. As per tradition, a top-hat-and-tuxedo wearing Jerome Bettis rapped the top of the desk three times with his walking stick, peered under the table, and cajoled Holmgren gently before picking the hairy mammal up by his waist and displaying him to the gathered crowd as the creature's arms and legs hung limply. "The Holmgren is so cute," 11-year-old Tara Means said. "I want to pet it." NBC anchor Bob Costas appeared visibly agitated throughout the entire ceremony and could be heard anxiously telling his colleagues that he could have sworn the same exact thing happened yesterday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close