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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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NBC Cancels ‘Piven’ After 5 Seasons

LOS ANGELES—Citing flagging ratings and a desire to retool its Thursday night comedy lineup, NBC announced today that Piven, the half-hour sitcom starring Jeremy Piven as a hotheaded actor on the verge of breaking into the A-list, would not be renewed for a sixth season. “Piven always had a strong cult following, but unfortunately it never found a wide enough audience long-term to make it profitable for the network,” said TV Guide’s Matt Roush of the ratings-plagued show, which reportedly suffered from several time slot reshuffles, off-set problems with costar Robert Klein, and an uneven first season. “The show got a lot of mileage out of the will they/won’t they thing with Jeremy and Michelle, but once that got resolved in the fourth season, the ratings never really recovered. And once it was announced that fan favorite Cybill Shepherd, who played Piven’s mother, would not be returning for another season, that was pretty much the final nail in the coffin.” At press time, Deadline.com had reported that the actor is slated to make a midseason return on CBS’ Jeremy.

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