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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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NBC Cancels ‘Piven’ After 5 Seasons

LOS ANGELES—Citing flagging ratings and a desire to retool its Thursday night comedy lineup, NBC announced today that Piven, the half-hour sitcom starring Jeremy Piven as a hotheaded actor on the verge of breaking into the A-list, would not be renewed for a sixth season. “Piven always had a strong cult following, but unfortunately it never found a wide enough audience long-term to make it profitable for the network,” said TV Guide’s Matt Roush of the ratings-plagued show, which reportedly suffered from several time slot reshuffles, off-set problems with costar Robert Klein, and an uneven first season. “The show got a lot of mileage out of the will they/won’t they thing with Jeremy and Michelle, but once that got resolved in the fourth season, the ratings never really recovered. And once it was announced that fan favorite Cybill Shepherd, who played Piven’s mother, would not be returning for another season, that was pretty much the final nail in the coffin.” At press time, Deadline.com had reported that the actor is slated to make a midseason return on CBS’ Jeremy.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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