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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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NBC Honors 9/11 Anniversary By Releasing New Matthew Perry Sitcom

NEW YORK—Saying they wanted to do something special to commemorate the 11th anniversary of the tragedy, NBC officials confirmed the network would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 and their families by premiering a new Matthew Perry sitcom Tuesday. “On this solemn occasion, when words can do little to heal still-fresh wounds, we here at NBC offer the only words that might actually help: Matthew Perry is back,” NBCUniversal CEO Steve Burke said of the network’s new sitcom Go On. “With his hilariously off-kilter timing and character work, Perry will provide succor to those still grieving from that fateful day. Because if Matthew Perry can’t, who possibly can?” At press time, the show was reported to be the most moving tribute of its kind since Universal Studios released The Scorpion King on April 19, 2002, to commemorate those lost in the Oklahoma City Bombing.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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