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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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NBC On Olympics Coverage: 'Sorry We Didn't Alter The Laws Of Space And Time To Accommodate People's Schedules'

NEW YORK—Responding to widespread criticism of its decision to air coverage of Olympic events on a six-hour time delay, NBC issued an apology Tuesday to American viewers, saying it was really, really sorry for failing to alter the governing laws of space and time to accommodate everyone’s precious schedules. "We at NBC would like to sincerely apologize for not doing something so simple as to modify the physical properties of the known universe so that you could go home and watch the women’s 100-meter backstroke live," chief digital officer Vivian Schiller said in response to widespread criticism on social media, adding that the network would "get one of our theoretical physicists right on that for you." "On second thought, we really should have considered manipulating the invariant properties of the space-time continuum while we were still in the planning stages of our coverage, and, boy, it sure was silly of us not to." Schiller noted that if viewers continue to be dissatisfied with the network’s coverage, they can feel free to switch over to an alternate plane of reality wherein temporal events and the subjective experience of said events may be shifted at will.

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