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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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NBC Unveils New 'Please-See TV' Thursday-Night Lineup

NEW YORK—With one week to go before the start of its first post-Seinfeld fall season, NBC unveiled its new "Please-See TV" Thursday-night lineup Monday.

NBC logo

"This fall," network president Warren Littlefield said, "NBC is the place to be for the shows you'll want to watch if you have any sense of compassion."

Created by the same ad agency that conceived CBS's "We're Dyin' Here" campaign, NBC's "Please See" promotion touts a revamped Thursday-night lineup that includes Veronica's Closet, Frasier and the new sitcom Jesse, which Littlefield described as "something I pray you'll be willing to watch for the sake of all the NBC executives with families to support."

"With Jerry gone, we certainly can't tell viewers that they must see these NBC shows," Littlefield said. "But we are confident we can ask very nicely."

The NBC campaign is part of an emerging trend toward network groveling. ABC's new on-air spots feature footage of laid-off employees weeping as they clean out their desks, and Fox is prepping a year-long "Watch Millennium If You Have A Shred Of Human Decency" campaign.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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