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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NCAA Abandons BCS, Implements New Argument-Based System For Determining College Football Rankings

INDIANAPOLIS—The NCAA Board of Governors announced Monday that it would be abandoning the complicated BCS formula, with its interdependent network of media and coaches polls and computer rankings, in favor of a more streamlined and manageable system consisting of millions of arguments among fans. "We feel that by monitoring opinions expressed during football-related arguments held in the nation's bars, restaurants, lunchrooms, Internet message boards, and dinner tables, we can amass all the data we need to rank the nation's college football teams throughout the season," NCAA president Myles Brand said in a press release detailing the argument-monitoring system already in place at most Division I colleges. "The best thing about this system is that arguments about the accuracy of the previous week's arguments are automatically factored in to each week's rankings. We feel we've finally found the solution fans have been demanding for years." Detractors of the new system claim it will reward larger schools with more vocal, more strident, and simply louder fans, as a recent test of the system had Texas, Michigan, Ohio State, Tennessee, Florida State, USC, Boston College, and Alabama all tied for first place.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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