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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NCAA Hopes Guilty Verdict In Punter Stabbing Case Will Suppress Rash Of Copycat Punter Stabbings

GREELY, CO—College football officials are hopeful that the guilty verdict handed down in the case of Mitch Cozad, the North Colorado punter who stabbed punting rival Rafael Mendoza in an attempt to usurp his starting position, will discourage any further punter-on-punter violence. "We're saddened that the court didn't see fit to charge him with attempted punter murder, but we believe that a conviction for second-degree assault of a punter is still a deterrent to those who would do punters harm," said NCAA legal adviser Karl Simonson. "Protecting punters off the field is nearly as important as protecting them on it." Assaulting a punter has been a crime in since 1974 and a felony in every state but Texas since 1997.

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