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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NCAA Schedules VCU For Final Four Play-In Game Just To Be Sure

HOUSTON—In an effort to ensure the integrity of the NCAA Final Four, tournament officials announced Wednesday they had added a play-in game for Virginia Commonwealth University that, if won, would allow the Rams to continue on to the semifinals. "There are a lot of good collegiate basketball programs in the country, and we want to make sure the Final Four is comprised of the absolute best teams," NCAA president Mark Emmert said. "We think VCU's incredible story is what this contest is all about. That's why we can't wait to watch these student-athletes try to continue their Cinderella run against top tournament seed Ohio State." According to Emmert, should VCU win the play-in, defeat Butler, and triumph in the national title game, the Rams will then go to a "winners bracket" in which they will have to defeat all three of the other Final Four teams over and over again until the NCAA is convinced they deserve this year's tournament trophy.

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