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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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NCAA Schedules VCU For Final Four Play-In Game Just To Be Sure

HOUSTON—In an effort to ensure the integrity of the NCAA Final Four, tournament officials announced Wednesday they had added a play-in game for Virginia Commonwealth University that, if won, would allow the Rams to continue on to the semifinals. "There are a lot of good collegiate basketball programs in the country, and we want to make sure the Final Four is comprised of the absolute best teams," NCAA president Mark Emmert said. "We think VCU's incredible story is what this contest is all about. That's why we can't wait to watch these student-athletes try to continue their Cinderella run against top tournament seed Ohio State." According to Emmert, should VCU win the play-in, defeat Butler, and triumph in the national title game, the Rams will then go to a "winners bracket" in which they will have to defeat all three of the other Final Four teams over and over again until the NCAA is convinced they deserve this year's tournament trophy.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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