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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NCAA Selection Committee Announces Sweet 16: 'It's The Teams That Won Last Weekend'

INDIANAPOLIS—The 10 members of the NCAA Selection Committee reconvened in Indianapolis late Sunday to select this year's Sweet 16 participants, announcing they had chosen the teams that, at the end of last weekend, had won their first- and second-round games. "There were many deserving programs out there, but we decided to go with the teams that won," said committee chairman Gene Smith, noting that because they had been victorious, Duke, UConn, Wisconsin, and the other thirteen selectees would continue playing in the NCAA Tournament, whereas the teams that lost would not. "We know there's going to be some controversy about including Richmond and Butler, but you can't deny that they won. And while we did consider some NIT participants and some other bubble teams, in the end we had to acknowledge that none of them had won any NCAA Tournament games this year." Smith added that committee members would meet again after Friday's games to pick who will play in the Elite Eight, saying they would probably weight their decisions in favor of teams that win in the Sweet 16.

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