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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NCAA Selection Committee Announces Sweet 16: 'It's The Teams That Won Last Weekend'

INDIANAPOLIS—The 10 members of the NCAA Selection Committee reconvened in Indianapolis late Sunday to select this year's Sweet 16 participants, announcing they had chosen the teams that, at the end of last weekend, had won their first- and second-round games. "There were many deserving programs out there, but we decided to go with the teams that won," said committee chairman Gene Smith, noting that because they had been victorious, Duke, UConn, Wisconsin, and the other thirteen selectees would continue playing in the NCAA Tournament, whereas the teams that lost would not. "We know there's going to be some controversy about including Richmond and Butler, but you can't deny that they won. And while we did consider some NIT participants and some other bubble teams, in the end we had to acknowledge that none of them had won any NCAA Tournament games this year." Smith added that committee members would meet again after Friday's games to pick who will play in the Elite Eight, saying they would probably weight their decisions in favor of teams that win in the Sweet 16.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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