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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NCAA To Strip Duke Of Its '08-'09 Losses

DURHAM, NC—NCAA officials announced Wednesday that seven losses would be stricken from Duke's 2008-2009 season record, claiming they were forced to act after discovering evidence of dramatically meritorious behavior both on and off the court. "This will forever polish the legacy of the Blue Devils, as all their losses from the season will be removed from the record books," said Paul T. Dee, the chairman of the Plauditory Committee, who expressed strong commendations for the men's basketball team. "Their overall AP ranking for last year will also be impacted, as we will have to drop them up from sixth to second. And we find it only fair that Duke be stripped of its 1994 second-place tournament finish, which will go to Arkansas in exchange for their national title trophy." Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski has decided not to appeal the NCAA's decision to permanently place the Blue Devils on approbation.

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