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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NCAA To Strip Duke Of Its '08-'09 Losses

DURHAM, NC—NCAA officials announced Wednesday that seven losses would be stricken from Duke's 2008-2009 season record, claiming they were forced to act after discovering evidence of dramatically meritorious behavior both on and off the court. "This will forever polish the legacy of the Blue Devils, as all their losses from the season will be removed from the record books," said Paul T. Dee, the chairman of the Plauditory Committee, who expressed strong commendations for the men's basketball team. "Their overall AP ranking for last year will also be impacted, as we will have to drop them up from sixth to second. And we find it only fair that Duke be stripped of its 1994 second-place tournament finish, which will go to Arkansas in exchange for their national title trophy." Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski has decided not to appeal the NCAA's decision to permanently place the Blue Devils on approbation.

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