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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NCAA Tournament Really Disrupting Man’s Ability To Get Any Fucking Around Done

CHICAGO—Calling the games a “complete time suck,” 32-year-old junior sales associate Collin Hiller told reporters Friday that the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has really been affecting his ability to get any fucking around done. “Normally I’d be busy doing jack shit at the office right now, but today I’ve been completely distracted from that by all these games,” said Hiller, who had only intended for the tournament to serve as a brief break from aimlessly browsing YouTube, but instead spent the last three hours glued to the online broadcast at NCAA.com. “Christ, I’m so behind on checking out pictures of infinity pools, and there’s still a ton of crap to read on Twitter I haven’t even started yet. I want to catch the rest of this game, but I feel a little guilty not Gchatting with my girlfriend or just dicking around on my phone.” At press time, Hiller had simply resigned himself to pulling another all-nighter doing dumb shit.

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