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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NCAA Tournament Results Leaked To Internet

DETROIT—With three rounds and the championship game remaining in the 2009 NCAA men's basketball tournament, documents believing to be the script for the season finale have been leaked to several websites, including The Smoking Gun, Ain't It Cool News, and Deadspin. "The NCAA has no comment on the authenticity or version-status of anything you may have seen," a press release issued by the tournament committee and signed by the tournament's writers and producers read in part. "We ask fans across the country to ignore anything they hear concerning basketball's final episodes and invite them to tune in no matter what they may have heard. What they see will still surprise them." Reactions to the script were diverse but emphatic, with sizable numbers of fans strongly protesting the shocking death of UNC, the logic-defying return of Wisconsin, and the revelation that Xavier has been an angel team since the first round.

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