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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience

PORTLAND, OR—A near-death experience was followed by one of the right-on-the-money variety Monday, when local mechanic Gabe Hoover narrowly averted choking to death on a chicken bone, only to be run over by a city bus later the same day. "As I began to lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen, I saw a bright, welcoming light, and I heard a voice calling out to me that sounded like my deceased mother," said Hoover, describing his near-death experience an hour before being struck dead. "I felt incredibly at peace, but then, suddenly, another voice told me to go back, saying I wasn't finished with my work on Earth." Hoover continued his work on Earth for another 64 minutes, at which point he hit the death nail right on the head, walking swiftly and directly into the light.

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