adBlockCheck

Necrophiliac's Prison Release Sparks Outrage Among Area Corpses

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Necrophiliac's Prison Release Sparks Outrage Among Area Corpses

REDBURN, VT—Next week, Thomas Holwell will be released from prison, having served a six-year sentence for disinterring and sexually assaulting 17 corpses. He will move back to Redburn—and the news is not sitting well with the town's substantial dead population.

Rose Schneider (center) is just one of many Redburn-area corpses upset over the impending return of convicted necrophiliac Thomas Holwell. As a precautionary measure, the town morgue will fill the orifices of all John and Jane Does with concrete.

"The people I've dealt with here seem really tense," said Henry Phelps, chief mortician at Redburn's Shady Grove Cemetery, the final resting place for many one-time residents of this sleepy New England community. "A lot of them were alive six years ago, when all that horrible stuff went on. I sense a nervous edge in them that goes way beyond rigor mortis."

"Until now, when people died, they felt that their corpses would be safe because Holwell would always be behind bars," said John Cullums, owner of Cullums Family Funeral Home. "But they were wrong. Dead wrong."

Shady Grove Cemetery officials have already hired extra security guards to protect the dead, and pledge that all future graves will be dug 10 feet deep, rather than the traditional six.

Shady Grove officials are not the only ones in Redburn taking extra precautions: Workers at the city morgue—the site of some of Holwell's most gruesome escapades in 1990—have been ordered by Redburn mayor Phil Ketcham to fill the orifices of all John and Jane Does with concrete.

"We can't afford to take any chances," Ketcham explained.

Holwell, 32, is the first necrophiliac to be released in the U.S. since the passage of a federal law requiring state authorities to notify communities to which necrophiliacs plan to relocate. The law was passed by Congress last month in the wake of a March 1996 incident in which Warren Pachenko, 55, a convict who had been released 48 hours earlier, brutally sodomized the ashes of seven people at a Flagstaff, AZ, crematorium.

"The ashes were barely recognizable after he got through with them," said Burn 'n' Urn assistant manager Geoff Linden. "It was horrible."

In response to the outrage he has sparked, Holwell is assuring Redburn residents that he became a born-again Christian while in jail and is no longer a threat to the town's deceased. "I have mended my ways," Holwell said. "No one need worry. The dead can rest assured that they will rest forevermore in penetration-free peace."

But despite his promises, Holwell's release torments such Redburn citizens as Fannie Bulger, 84. "This ought to be a time of serenity for me," said Bulger, who is dying of cancer and has been given one month to live. "Frankly, this is about the last thing I need to worry about right now."

Even young, healthy residents like Sharon Mitchell, 27, are concerned about the Holwell situation. "I have three young children," said Mitchell, who lives just a block away from the home to which Holwell will be returning. "I would like them to feel safe walking around the neighborhood without worrying about what would happen to their bodies if they got run over by a truck in front of his house."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close