Necrophiliac's Prison Release Sparks Outrage Among Area Corpses

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Vol 30 Issue 10

Second-Grader Expelled From Sex Farm

WINSLOW, OK—Controversy erupted Monday at an area sex farm/white slavery compound when second-grader Tim Hildemen was expelled for refusing to felch a llama. "This kind of inhibited behavior is totally inappropriate for our sex farm," sex farm commandant Henry Prathers said. The felching incident was to be part of a group-sex video produced by the compound leaders. Hildemen, 7, will be blindfolded, then driven in the sex-farm van to an undisclosed locale and pushed out. Summing up the reaction of an outraged community, mother Ellen Mayes said: "What kind of message does Tim's behavior send to other kids?"

Verb To Follow Noun; Prepositional Phrase To Follow

NEW YORK—A verb is slated to follow a noun in an area sentence this week, with a prepositional phrase expected to follow by sentence end. President Clinton, a proper noun, praised the sentence, saying, "I am proud to commend this basic achievement in sentence construction." There was no comment from the sentence, as it did not contain quotation marks at press time.

White To Attend Boat Show

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white said, "but I don't think I can afford one this year." The white, Jerry Strickler, 51, a Baltimore-area orthodontist, is slated to arrive at the boat show some time early Saturday and depart later in the day. It is believed he will wear slacks and a tie. "I'm excited to have this white come to the show," said Bob Elderbrecht, a boat show organizer. "It will be easy to spot him, since he is a white."

Presidential Debate To Be Accompanied By Sultry Latin Beat

SAN DIEGO—Wednesday's presidential debate will be made more exciting by the addition of a sultry Latin beat, provided by the famed Cuban salsa combo Manny Rios and the Havana Horns. The band will be seated directly between the candidates on the stage, providing a steady, conga- and maraca-driven beat throughout the debate. Bandleader Rios will also periodically interrupt the candidates with loud cries of "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" While the candidates have complained that the beat may be a distraction, the TV networks and debate organizers insisted, explaining that the spicy Latin rhythm may be the only thing that entices viewers to watch. Said Republican candidate Bob Dole, "Bob Dole doesn't want to have to speak over the din of bongo drums when he's talking about important issues. Bob Dole is and will always be a staunch opponent of Manny Rios and the Havana Horns."

Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a group of high-school students got shitfaced on a case of the award-winning microbrew.

NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Fat-Free Frenzy

Despite Health warnings, Americans are gobbling up fat-free products like never before. Why are we so hungry for them?
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Necrophiliac's Prison Release Sparks Outrage Among Area Corpses

REDBURN, VT—Next week, Thomas Holwell will be released from prison, having served a six-year sentence for disinterring and sexually assaulting 17 corpses. He will move back to Redburn—and the news is not sitting well with the town's substantial dead population.

Rose Schneider (center) is just one of many Redburn-area corpses upset over the impending return of convicted necrophiliac Thomas Holwell. As a precautionary measure, the town morgue will fill the orifices of all John and Jane Does with concrete.

"The people I've dealt with here seem really tense," said Henry Phelps, chief mortician at Redburn's Shady Grove Cemetery, the final resting place for many one-time residents of this sleepy New England community. "A lot of them were alive six years ago, when all that horrible stuff went on. I sense a nervous edge in them that goes way beyond rigor mortis."

"Until now, when people died, they felt that their corpses would be safe because Holwell would always be behind bars," said John Cullums, owner of Cullums Family Funeral Home. "But they were wrong. Dead wrong."

Shady Grove Cemetery officials have already hired extra security guards to protect the dead, and pledge that all future graves will be dug 10 feet deep, rather than the traditional six.

Shady Grove officials are not the only ones in Redburn taking extra precautions: Workers at the city morgue—the site of some of Holwell's most gruesome escapades in 1990—have been ordered by Redburn mayor Phil Ketcham to fill the orifices of all John and Jane Does with concrete.

"We can't afford to take any chances," Ketcham explained.

Holwell, 32, is the first necrophiliac to be released in the U.S. since the passage of a federal law requiring state authorities to notify communities to which necrophiliacs plan to relocate. The law was passed by Congress last month in the wake of a March 1996 incident in which Warren Pachenko, 55, a convict who had been released 48 hours earlier, brutally sodomized the ashes of seven people at a Flagstaff, AZ, crematorium.

"The ashes were barely recognizable after he got through with them," said Burn 'n' Urn assistant manager Geoff Linden. "It was horrible."

In response to the outrage he has sparked, Holwell is assuring Redburn residents that he became a born-again Christian while in jail and is no longer a threat to the town's deceased. "I have mended my ways," Holwell said. "No one need worry. The dead can rest assured that they will rest forevermore in penetration-free peace."

But despite his promises, Holwell's release torments such Redburn citizens as Fannie Bulger, 84. "This ought to be a time of serenity for me," said Bulger, who is dying of cancer and has been given one month to live. "Frankly, this is about the last thing I need to worry about right now."

Even young, healthy residents like Sharon Mitchell, 27, are concerned about the Holwell situation. "I have three young children," said Mitchell, who lives just a block away from the home to which Holwell will be returning. "I would like them to feel safe walking around the neighborhood without worrying about what would happen to their bodies if they got run over by a truck in front of his house."

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