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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Needle-Exchange Program Attracting 'Druggies'

CLEVELAND–A city-sponsored "Be Safe, Be Clean" needle-exchange program is in limbo due to suspicions that "dope-heads" and "druggies" may be using the program to obtain free drug paraphernalia, sources reported Monday. "Our intent was to encourage citizens who regularly use syringes to hypodermically inject substances into their bodies to use clean syringes instead of passing needles back and forth between friends, thus reducing the risk of disease," program spokesman James Dunwoody said. "But instead, our program seems to be attracting junkies and other unsavory criminal elements." Dunwoody said the program will be discontinued if the city's smack fiends do not stop abusing it.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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