adBlockCheck

Needle-Exchange Program Attracting 'Druggies'

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Needle-Exchange Program Attracting 'Druggies'

CLEVELAND–A city-sponsored "Be Safe, Be Clean" needle-exchange program is in limbo due to suspicions that "dope-heads" and "druggies" may be using the program to obtain free drug paraphernalia, sources reported Monday. "Our intent was to encourage citizens who regularly use syringes to hypodermically inject substances into their bodies to use clean syringes instead of passing needles back and forth between friends, thus reducing the risk of disease," program spokesman James Dunwoody said. "But instead, our program seems to be attracting junkies and other unsavory criminal elements." Dunwoody said the program will be discontinued if the city's smack fiends do not stop abusing it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close