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Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

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DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

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WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

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Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

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WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

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Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians

Emotionally needy citizens across the country demand that politicians once again woo them incessantly.
Emotionally needy citizens across the country demand that politicians once again woo them incessantly.

UNITED STATES—In a desperate fit of emotional neediness, all 314 million residents of the United States broke down today after going a whole week without the nation’s political parties, candidates, or interest groups pandering to them at every turn, sources reported.

In its seventh day of not being excessively flattered, vigorously applauded, or constantly validated by political campaigns, the American populace reportedly reached its emotional breaking point this morning, suffering full-scale meltdowns and not knowing how to carry on.

“Why aren’t they incessantly trying to win us over every hour of every day? What did we do wrong?” said Pennsylvania retail clerk Patricia Beam, echoing the sentiments of millions of attention-starved citizens across the country. “Just last week they were wooing us with evasive political rhetoric and vague promises as if we were the only thing in the whole world that mattered to them. And now it’s like we don’t even exist.”

“Pander to me now!” weeping Florida mechanic Ted Guzman concurred as he stamped his feet and begged for fawning adulation from politicians and party mouthpieces. “Now, now, now!”

According to widespread reports, hordes of blubbering, tear-streaked Americans have demanded that former presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama immediately resume making local campaign appearances, acknowledging the importance of each and every town and voter, and delivering stump speeches altered slightly to include specific mentions of regional factories, sports teams, historical landmarks, and agricultural products.

Furthermore, the sobbing masses announced they were refusing to go to work until both Republicans and Democrats nationwide continued their efforts to appear relatable and in-touch with the needs of everyday Americans, and returned to running round-the-clock attack ads on local television that pay lip service to the social and economic challenges faced by their area.

“All we’re asking is that members of both major political parties look us straight in the eye the way they used to, telling us how much they need our faith and support to move forward, and how this country is nothing without the service and dedication of hardworking American citizens such as ourselves,” Columbus, OH resident Ronnie Milch pleaded. “Promise things to us! Talk about things that we want! Spends millions of campaign dollars to make us feel important!”

“You can’t just abandon us like this!” Milch added. “We need your constant, shallow reassurances that you hear us and are fighting for us!”

At press time, the emotionally exhausted populace had calmed down and fallen asleep after President Obama briefly mentioned the American people in an address on the impending fiscal cliff.

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