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Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians

Emotionally needy citizens across the country demand that politicians once again woo them incessantly.
Emotionally needy citizens across the country demand that politicians once again woo them incessantly.

UNITED STATES—In a desperate fit of emotional neediness, all 314 million residents of the United States broke down today after going a whole week without the nation’s political parties, candidates, or interest groups pandering to them at every turn, sources reported.

In its seventh day of not being excessively flattered, vigorously applauded, or constantly validated by political campaigns, the American populace reportedly reached its emotional breaking point this morning, suffering full-scale meltdowns and not knowing how to carry on.

“Why aren’t they incessantly trying to win us over every hour of every day? What did we do wrong?” said Pennsylvania retail clerk Patricia Beam, echoing the sentiments of millions of attention-starved citizens across the country. “Just last week they were wooing us with evasive political rhetoric and vague promises as if we were the only thing in the whole world that mattered to them. And now it’s like we don’t even exist.”

“Pander to me now!” weeping Florida mechanic Ted Guzman concurred as he stamped his feet and begged for fawning adulation from politicians and party mouthpieces. “Now, now, now!”

According to widespread reports, hordes of blubbering, tear-streaked Americans have demanded that former presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama immediately resume making local campaign appearances, acknowledging the importance of each and every town and voter, and delivering stump speeches altered slightly to include specific mentions of regional factories, sports teams, historical landmarks, and agricultural products.

Furthermore, the sobbing masses announced they were refusing to go to work until both Republicans and Democrats nationwide continued their efforts to appear relatable and in-touch with the needs of everyday Americans, and returned to running round-the-clock attack ads on local television that pay lip service to the social and economic challenges faced by their area.

“All we’re asking is that members of both major political parties look us straight in the eye the way they used to, telling us how much they need our faith and support to move forward, and how this country is nothing without the service and dedication of hardworking American citizens such as ourselves,” Columbus, OH resident Ronnie Milch pleaded. “Promise things to us! Talk about things that we want! Spends millions of campaign dollars to make us feel important!”

“You can’t just abandon us like this!” Milch added. “We need your constant, shallow reassurances that you hear us and are fighting for us!”

At press time, the emotionally exhausted populace had calmed down and fallen asleep after President Obama briefly mentioned the American people in an address on the impending fiscal cliff.

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