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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Negative Comments About Big East Fail To Affect Anybody, Anything

NEW YORK—A recent outpouring of negative criticism levied against the Big East for the conference's poor showing in the NCAA Tournament has had absolutely no affect on anyone or anything, and will reportedly continue to have zero effect on the world due to the fact that being angry at a collegiate basketball conference is a completely worthless endeavour, sources confirmed Thursday. "I think the Big East is the most overrated conference," said a man whose overwhelming disappointment with what basically amounts to 19-year-old boys playing basketball makes one wonder what his priorities are, if he understands that there are millions of things much more interesting to talk about, or whether or not he's aware that such passion could be focused on saying something that actually matters. "The selection committee should never have put 11 Big East teams in the tournament. Never. It's ridiculous." According to sources, a recent wave of opposition from fans and analysts defending the Big East has also had little impact on anything, mainly because this topic is so stupid.

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