‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Neighbor Arriving Home At Same Time Offers Brief, Beguiling Glimpse Inside Apartment

CHICAGO—Gathering as much information on the residence as she could during the fleeting window of opportunity, local woman Kerry Egan was offered a brief, beguiling glimpse of the inside of the next-door apartment Monday upon arriving home at the same time as her neighbor. “Whoa, so that’s what her place looks like,” said Egan, discreetly peeking in through the tantalizing 2-foot-wide gap in the doorway as she unlocked her own door. “It kind of resembles my apartment—same general L shape, I think—but I can’t tell if it’s a little smaller or if it just seems that way because they have more furniture than I do. Man, that is a huge TV. That rug’s really nice, too. I wonder where she got it?” At press time, Egan’s own open door momentarily offered her neighbor an enticing glance at the dog that keeps her up all fucking night.

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