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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Neighbor Spotted Judging Women's Gymnastics Events On NBC

BRAYTON, IA—Local residents Harold and Eileen Weintraub were surprised and confused Sunday night when, while watching the 2008 Olympic Games on NBC, they saw their next-door neighbor Philip Truesdell, 57, judging women's gymnastics events. "Hey Eileen, is that…is that Phil?" Harold Weintraub said to his wife, who after walking over to the television, confirmed that the man in the suit scoring international competitors in the vault, floor, and balance beam events was in fact their neighbor of 22 years. "What's he doing there? I talked to him while he was mowing his lawn just last week, and he didn't mention anything about going to Beijing. I didn't even know he liked gymnastics. And why does that nameplate in front of him say 'Australia'? Honey, is Phil Australian?" The Weintraubs later realized the incident explains why Truesdell, who they had already known to be a figure skating judge, took vacations every two instead of every four years.

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