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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Neighbor Spotted Judging Women's Gymnastics Events On NBC

BRAYTON, IA—Local residents Harold and Eileen Weintraub were surprised and confused Sunday night when, while watching the 2008 Olympic Games on NBC, they saw their next-door neighbor Philip Truesdell, 57, judging women's gymnastics events. "Hey Eileen, is that…is that Phil?" Harold Weintraub said to his wife, who after walking over to the television, confirmed that the man in the suit scoring international competitors in the vault, floor, and balance beam events was in fact their neighbor of 22 years. "What's he doing there? I talked to him while he was mowing his lawn just last week, and he didn't mention anything about going to Beijing. I didn't even know he liked gymnastics. And why does that nameplate in front of him say 'Australia'? Honey, is Phil Australian?" The Weintraubs later realized the incident explains why Truesdell, who they had already known to be a figure skating judge, took vacations every two instead of every four years.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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