adBlockCheck

Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events

Top Headlines

Business

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events

Onlookers scramble to get a look at the freshly updated bulletin board.
Onlookers scramble to get a look at the freshly updated bulletin board.

LAWRENCE, KS—A nearly uncontrollable excitement once again gripped residents of this small Midwestern city Thursday as they flocked in droves to see local coffee shop Perk Up’s weekly bulletin-board posting of upcoming events and neighborhood news, sources confirmed.

“Here it comes, everybody!” said Maria Shanahan, 32, who stood near the front of the large, clamoring crowd that had gathered in and around the small café, spilling out into the parking lot and beyond. “I can’t wait a second longer to find out this week’s community happenings and other items of interest.”

“I wonder which dogs will be missing this week,” she added.

As Shanahan spoke, a Perk Up employee was seen to emerge from behind the counter carrying what appeared to be a computer printout in one hand, a stapler in the other.

According to witnesses, the buzz among the assembled locals reached fever pitch as the employee elbowed his way through the throng, making his way to the corkboard affixed to a wall near the coffee shop’s entrance.

“Okay, okay, clear a path everybody—I’ve got to get this newsletter up,” said barista Jarvis Gregg, 25, who observers noted was forced to hold the single page of paper high above his head to keep it out of customer reach. “The sooner you let me through, the sooner you can all see what you came here to see.”

The Perk Up Weekly Neighborhood News & Events Listing—known simply as “The Board” by area readers—has reportedly enjoyed massive popularity since its first posting in 2007, with residents piling into the eight-seat-capacity establishment to get the latest leads on complimentary wine-tastings, open-mic nights, and gluten-free recipe seminars.

“Holy shit, baseball tickets!” called out freelance graphic designer Tim Nojima, responding to a notice indicating that a neighbor was looking to sell three general admission passes to an exhibition game of a nearby minor-league club. “And is that…is that a charity 5k fun run? Guess I’m going to have to pick and choose this week!”

“Looks like the farmers market still has some winter squash available,” added Nojima, craning his neck around the crush of fellow onlookers so he could read further. “I thought for sure I’d made my last butternut-squash soup of the year, but clearly I was mistaken.”

Though Perk Up opens at 7 a.m., this Thursday there was already a line around the block by 6:30, filled with people who admitted they just couldn’t wait to find out what valuable information this week’s edition of the 8-and-a-half-by-11-inch sheet of paper might hold.

The weekly frenzy has occasionally gotten out of hand, according to city officials. In May 2009, a breast-feeding woman trampled in the rush had to be hospitalized, and in January of last year police were forced to implement emergency crowd-control measures when posting of the community newsletter was delayed until 10 a.m. due to then-assistant manager Jane Myers calling in sick.

“It’s a long wait, but it’s worth it,” said 55-year-old Helen Gianni-Heim, an avid reader of The Board. “You really have to know somebody if you want to get in there before noon. Luckily, I’m a friend of someone who has a friend who knows the guy who hangs it up each week.”

Gianni-Heim added that if it weren’t for the bulletin-board postings, she would have missed out on many community events over the years, including 2008’s open forum on municipal pool reservations and a 2010 book signing by Jeffrey Eugenides.

Other residents agreed their time spent waiting in line had paid off.

“I had to camp on the sidewalk all night in a sleeping bag, but look!” said graduate student Brendon Herr, clutching a torn-off piece of paper with the phone number of a man who gives tabla lessons.

Waving the scrap of paper before several dozen admiring onlookers, he added, “I’m calling this guy right away!”

At press time, lines were already forming for next week’s bulletin-board posting, which is rumored to have the lowdown on an upcoming yard sale with good deals on gourmet kitchen cutlery.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close