Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events

Top Headlines


Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events

Onlookers scramble to get a look at the freshly updated bulletin board.
Onlookers scramble to get a look at the freshly updated bulletin board.

LAWRENCE, KS—A nearly uncontrollable excitement once again gripped residents of this small Midwestern city Thursday as they flocked in droves to see local coffee shop Perk Up’s weekly bulletin-board posting of upcoming events and neighborhood news, sources confirmed.

“Here it comes, everybody!” said Maria Shanahan, 32, who stood near the front of the large, clamoring crowd that had gathered in and around the small café, spilling out into the parking lot and beyond. “I can’t wait a second longer to find out this week’s community happenings and other items of interest.”

“I wonder which dogs will be missing this week,” she added.

As Shanahan spoke, a Perk Up employee was seen to emerge from behind the counter carrying what appeared to be a computer printout in one hand, a stapler in the other.

According to witnesses, the buzz among the assembled locals reached fever pitch as the employee elbowed his way through the throng, making his way to the corkboard affixed to a wall near the coffee shop’s entrance.

“Okay, okay, clear a path everybody—I’ve got to get this newsletter up,” said barista Jarvis Gregg, 25, who observers noted was forced to hold the single page of paper high above his head to keep it out of customer reach. “The sooner you let me through, the sooner you can all see what you came here to see.”

The Perk Up Weekly Neighborhood News & Events Listing—known simply as “The Board” by area readers—has reportedly enjoyed massive popularity since its first posting in 2007, with residents piling into the eight-seat-capacity establishment to get the latest leads on complimentary wine-tastings, open-mic nights, and gluten-free recipe seminars.

“Holy shit, baseball tickets!” called out freelance graphic designer Tim Nojima, responding to a notice indicating that a neighbor was looking to sell three general admission passes to an exhibition game of a nearby minor-league club. “And is that…is that a charity 5k fun run? Guess I’m going to have to pick and choose this week!”

“Looks like the farmers market still has some winter squash available,” added Nojima, craning his neck around the crush of fellow onlookers so he could read further. “I thought for sure I’d made my last butternut-squash soup of the year, but clearly I was mistaken.”

Though Perk Up opens at 7 a.m., this Thursday there was already a line around the block by 6:30, filled with people who admitted they just couldn’t wait to find out what valuable information this week’s edition of the 8-and-a-half-by-11-inch sheet of paper might hold.

The weekly frenzy has occasionally gotten out of hand, according to city officials. In May 2009, a breast-feeding woman trampled in the rush had to be hospitalized, and in January of last year police were forced to implement emergency crowd-control measures when posting of the community newsletter was delayed until 10 a.m. due to then-assistant manager Jane Myers calling in sick.

“It’s a long wait, but it’s worth it,” said 55-year-old Helen Gianni-Heim, an avid reader of The Board. “You really have to know somebody if you want to get in there before noon. Luckily, I’m a friend of someone who has a friend who knows the guy who hangs it up each week.”

Gianni-Heim added that if it weren’t for the bulletin-board postings, she would have missed out on many community events over the years, including 2008’s open forum on municipal pool reservations and a 2010 book signing by Jeffrey Eugenides.

Other residents agreed their time spent waiting in line had paid off.

“I had to camp on the sidewalk all night in a sleeping bag, but look!” said graduate student Brendon Herr, clutching a torn-off piece of paper with the phone number of a man who gives tabla lessons.

Waving the scrap of paper before several dozen admiring onlookers, he added, “I’m calling this guy right away!”

At press time, lines were already forming for next week’s bulletin-board posting, which is rumored to have the lowdown on an upcoming yard sale with good deals on gourmet kitchen cutlery.